I have thought about posting about this for some time now, but was initially worried at how I would be perceived by those who know me and do not know me. At this point I really don’t care and if you do judge me, that is your deal, not mine. I am on a down hill slope to recovery and I want share my story and give hope to those that are now encountering or will encounter post-partum depression.
I have dealt with depression off and on my whole life but nothing has prepared me to in dealing with what I have felt since having Davis. There have been times I felt like I had a black cloud over my head and I could do nothing right. I remember one day in particular that I went out to my truck to take a break because I was irritated with everyone and everything at work and then spilled my breast milk in my truck. I just screamed and thought, “What am I doing! What is wrong with me?” The pressures of work, family, and everything else seemed to be too much to bear. Thoughts of suicide and hurting Davis would come into my mind. I was sick with myself and I felt out of control, guilty, and horrible. At that point I knew I needed to get help as this was not me and I did not want my thoughts to go any further.
When I first told Jake about what I was feeling he was completely understanding and tried to make my life easier by helping watch Davis and doing small things without me asking. For example there was one late night I had been crying for hours. Jake awoke and calmly and sweetly consoled and told me that it would be better and that it was just the hormones. He held me in his arms until I fell asleep. I don’t think I could have handled all of this without his unfailing sympathy and love.
Since that very low night I decided I need to talk with my OBGYN and she put me on a low dose of anti-depression to help regulate all the hormones. I also decided I would start seeing a psychologist. It is sad that there is such a stereo-type for those that go and see psychologist because it has been an amazing help. She has helped me build skills that have allowed me to free myself from mindless worrying and fretting. All that worrying was putting proverbial rocks into my already heavy backpack of responsibilities.
Although I am feeling much better I know that I still have a ways to go before I feel free from this mindlessness. I want to thank my wonderful family for all their help. I feel grateful that I have parents that I can truly share anything with. I have wonderful in-laws that have offered me babysitting, pedicures, and massages (Kelly you’re an amazing masseuse). I hope if there are others out there are dealing with this that they get help and realize that you’re not alone. As for me... I will continue my quest for happiness.
I have dealt with depression off and on my whole life but nothing has prepared me to in dealing with what I have felt since having Davis. There have been times I felt like I had a black cloud over my head and I could do nothing right. I remember one day in particular that I went out to my truck to take a break because I was irritated with everyone and everything at work and then spilled my breast milk in my truck. I just screamed and thought, “What am I doing! What is wrong with me?” The pressures of work, family, and everything else seemed to be too much to bear. Thoughts of suicide and hurting Davis would come into my mind. I was sick with myself and I felt out of control, guilty, and horrible. At that point I knew I needed to get help as this was not me and I did not want my thoughts to go any further.
When I first told Jake about what I was feeling he was completely understanding and tried to make my life easier by helping watch Davis and doing small things without me asking. For example there was one late night I had been crying for hours. Jake awoke and calmly and sweetly consoled and told me that it would be better and that it was just the hormones. He held me in his arms until I fell asleep. I don’t think I could have handled all of this without his unfailing sympathy and love.
Since that very low night I decided I need to talk with my OBGYN and she put me on a low dose of anti-depression to help regulate all the hormones. I also decided I would start seeing a psychologist. It is sad that there is such a stereo-type for those that go and see psychologist because it has been an amazing help. She has helped me build skills that have allowed me to free myself from mindless worrying and fretting. All that worrying was putting proverbial rocks into my already heavy backpack of responsibilities.
Although I am feeling much better I know that I still have a ways to go before I feel free from this mindlessness. I want to thank my wonderful family for all their help. I feel grateful that I have parents that I can truly share anything with. I have wonderful in-laws that have offered me babysitting, pedicures, and massages (Kelly you’re an amazing masseuse). I hope if there are others out there are dealing with this that they get help and realize that you’re not alone. As for me... I will continue my quest for happiness.
6 comments:
Maria, you are such an amazing woman. I know it took alot of courage to share that but I think it will be a blessing in others lives to know that they are not alone. It is so common and the sad thing is that it is a physical illness just like diabetes where there are medications and doctors that can help but because of social enigmas people don't get help. You have my support completely and if I can ever help, please ask. Know that you are in my prayer and I love you and your sweet family.
I am also glad you shared. It will only help others realize that they too can find help if they need it. I think it is great that you went and found help. It not only helps you, but also your loved ones around you. "If mom aint happy, aint no body happy!" Right? You can only take care of those around you if you take care of yourself. You are fabulous Maria! You are such a good mom!
Hey Maria- That took a lot of courage to share those thoughts. Please don't ever feel ashamed for having gone through that.
I know for myself I sometimes have issues like that. I think that what it comes down too, is that I have a very high expectation of myself and what I want to do and accomplish. And if I don't meet those expectations than I get very down on myself and feel stressed out and then my mind goes crazy. I know that it comes down to me just being to hard on myself, and listening to the the things of the world instead of to my Heavenly Father.
You are so loved Maria. Jake and Davis are so lucky to have you as a wife and mother. Don't you forget it! As long as you try your best, your Savior will pick you up and do the rest. That is what part of the Atonement is for. Thanks for being such a great SIL and friend. Love ya tons Girl!
hey maria...thanks for sharing this... i know that this is a tough topic to discuss, i know exactly where you are coming from, i too delt w/ postpartum...i did not know it was dealing with until well after a year ava was born... some days are tough man! know that you arent alone.
Maria,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I am glad you are getting help. That makes a big difference. Others have said it, but it took a lot of courage to write this. You are awesome. I love you tons.
Hey sweety, I'm sorry you are going through this, I feel bad that I didn't know. You are a very special person and if you ever need to talk or just get away I'm always here to listen or to watch Davis. Love Ya
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